There has been an ongoing war in our peaceful home for a couple of weeks now. Early on in the siege I surpassed my husband’s college football game watching record for shouting expletives. I’m not proud of the name calling either, but at least there aren’t any young and impressionable ears living in our household. Luckily the battles have been localized, the war zone contained and civilian movement has not been severely restricted. But even that point is arguable, as we are temporarily down to one useable bathroom.
The conflict began with a few tiny ones crawling in and around the vanity sink. Pesky little creatures I sentenced to death by drowning in the Niagara Falls of an open faucet. Gone today, back tomorrow. So strange, I thought. What could be their motive for invading our one abode? They have a multitude of their own colonies after all. Are they after an asset of ours? Reconnaissance by yours truly ensued and possible targets were eliminated one by one. They didn’t seem to be coveting the grandchildrens’ Tom’s of Maine Strawberry toothpaste. Could it be the Sugarplum scented hand soap? A switch to Turquoise Waters proved not. Did the medicine cabinet hold some irresistible target? Scanning the shelves provided no new intel. Days passed and drowning after drowning hindered not the insect brigade’s forward movement.
I felt the need to call for back up, so hubs did a Google search and found that weaponizing vinegar was recommended as an effective cease and desist order. Placing some in a small cap would supposedly be an attractive and deadly swimming pool. Nope. The wagon train skirted the intended cemetery and marched on. I decided that bait was needed to solve this war time issue. Two trips to the store, two different brands of “ant bait” that guaranteed results, and again the enemy combatants were able to render them useless and strutted on. The only “results” were more extreme frustration.
Back to tactical research, where experienced agents reported that coating the entire surface of the counter and sink with vinegar would apparently create a “Death Valley”, the likes of which no ant could survive. Success! A few hourly checks before bed confirmed no enemy presence.
And the next morning, they were back. But on the wall, not the counter. !#%!*!%#?! Following the trail of interlopers led me back to the medicine cabinet. That previously identified safe house had since been compromised by every ant and his or her uncle and the literal swarm of them were feasting on their target – a half used package of Ludens Sore Throat Lozenges. I raced to the armory and secured a bottle of 409 kitchen spray and showered them with it. Mission accomplished. Enemy forces subdued and eliminated. Victory was mine! With the added benefit of having an entirely cleaned out medicine cabinet.
Until the next morning. More ants. More vinegar. More expletives. More recon identified the possible point of entry as the shower windowsill. One by one they trespassed through a minuscule space between window and wall. I drenched the sill with vinegar and massacred the band of brothers in arms with an almost maniacal joy. I then ran outside to seek and destroy any and all convoys approaching the window. Sure enough, one by one they marched, right up the side of the house. More vinegar. More deaths. Another hard fought victory under my belt.
Until the next morning, which is this morning, when I wake early to a replay of “the ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah” in my head and stumble to the bathroom to see a vertical platoon of them haughtily traipsing up the wall and all around the 10 foot ceiling. Headed where, for !#%!’s sake?
And exactly what life lesson am I obviously NOT LEARNING through all of this? What are those Little Fockers trying to teach me? I don’t want to bomb my bathroom with poison gas, but I can’t simply retreat and give up the territory. Meanwhile, my house smells like a pickle factory and of course it’s raining and…
Just in case you’d like to hear the song, so you too could have it stuck in your head. It’s available through this link on You Tube.
Peace and Love (unless you’re an ant)